There is something very difficult about having a mental illness. And it’s not even what most people think it is. The hardest thing about having a mental illness is when the medication you’ve been on suddenly stops working.
For most other diseases, you take one medication and it lasts and works for as long as you need it to. I’ve been taking the same medication for my high cholesterol since we found out I have it many years ago and I’ve never once had a problem.
But mental illnesses are different. I’m not sure what makes it happen, but for a lot of people, after about a year and a half or two years, a medication stops working so well.
And I’ve hit that point.
Hitting that point mid semester is likely the worst thing that could have happened to my schooling. It’s almost midnight right now and though I have no reason not to go to bed, I’m still up. Sitting at my computer. Trying to find a reason to stay up. I also need a shower to wash some product out of my hair. But that’s not happening either.
I want to do NaNoWriMo, but I can’t bring myself to get up the energy or motivation to do it. I want to do my homework, I want to get good grades in my classes, but my brain is holding me back. There’s a pressure in my head, pushing in on my brain. It feels like there is something physically in there, stopping my mind from functioning. There are times when I simply stop and stare at nothing, simply because my mind doesn’t have the energy to think.
In short, I’m reverting back to who I used to be. The person I never wanted to be again.
But I’m still here. I’m still half functioning under the fog. And I’m aware enough to know I need help. And I have a friend who will push me to do so as well. Thank heavens for doctors, and medication. I will get better.
I wish everyone was able to see what I can see, even when I feel like this. That life is worth it, even when it’s not. Just keep pushing forward, even when you can’t. I know I’ll find my footing again.